all life lives on if we've ever loved it
I'm generally opposed to winter, but it's especially beautiful this year. Something about the cold clean lines, the clear skies and the crisp colors--my skin prickling and everything moving just a little bit quicker.
We set up the Christmas tree yesterday, and it hit me that this is Alma's first Christmas. Growing up, I LOVED holidays, especially Christmas. In recent years, however, I've begun to dread the inevitable tug-of-war between families. Finances take a hit as we try to buy gifts for everyone, and I miss my extended family (especially my dad's family, as they no longer meet together; I haven't seen any of them in years). But I don't want to pass these stressful associations on to Alma. I want her to have the kind of Christmases that I had growing up: happy and full of love. I'm going to do my best to make that happen.
Speaking of the bear cub, she had her two-month checkup today. She did very well. She weighs a whopping 11.15 pounds (96th percentile), and is 24.5 inches tall (100th percentile!). I guess this explains why she's been outgrowing her clothes left and right. She also got three shots, and although she cried and I was sad, it was over pretty quickly. She's been asleep most of the evening since then and hasn't been feeling very good. I know that there's no evidence to back up the "shots cause autism" rally cry, and we even gave her three injections rather than the standard five, but I can't help being anxious for her to perk up and prove that she's going to be just fine, thank you, and I'm not a horrible mother who injected her with a BIG FAT DOSE OF AUTISM.
I've become very interested in my family history. Between all the old family photos I've been scanning/uploading and the work I've been doing on ancestry.com (the free trial version--because it's an amazing site, but who has $200/yr to spend on a website?), I've found a lot of interesting stuff. My dad's line goes back through Mexico to Spain and Portugal in the 1400s; once it goes into Spain, they start taking their mothers' last names instead of the fathers'. My mom's line goes back to England in the 1600s. With the exception of the French and Indian War, I've found relatives who fought in every American war from WW2 back. I'm interested to see what else I'll find.
The friend front is going especially well. Last night was really fun--we had Cameron, Daniel, Michael, Alex, and Aaron over. We played Loaded Questions for ages, drank (moderately!), and had copious amounts of fun. After the Scholzs went home the rest of us stayed up til 1AM talking. Our new Foundations group is amazing; it makes me feel better about our last group, knowing that we fit in so easily with this one.
I've been all domesticky with the house lately, so I'll probably blog about it soon. Stay tuned!
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so lost without my place inside your heart
While playing Loaded Questions with my family (incredibly fun game, look it up!), I answered the question "What is your biggest addiction?" with "Control." (Everyone else's answers were things like frisbee and Fringe. I shouldn't have disclosed so much.) Bee was surprised, saying, "You don't seem like a control freak."
Whether or not I seem like a control freak is debatable (MD said she wasn't surprised at all...so, there's that), but I definitely AM one. Nothing stresses me out more than situations that don't go the way that I planned or variables that I can't control. Even my notorious self-destructive habits have a lot to do with control at the heart. And I realized today that even when I pray about a situation that I can't control (which is theoretically good, and implies that I'm surrendering control to God, right?), I'm really just using prayer as another way to try to control the situation (by saying "God, please please please make this situation turn out the way that I want").
So although I really should have been doing this all along, I'm going to take a small step toward being less of a control freak and pray that God will help me trust Him and have a good attitude about whatever happens, instead of praying that everything will go the way that I want. Here goes.
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organizing things, like a boss.
Yeah, yeah, it's been ages since I updated and now I'm not writing a real update. Get over it. So I bought some things off Amazon that made a huge difference in the organizational state of Alma's dresser and Alan's closet. I wish I had taken 'before' pictures:
This is Alan's closet. His shoes used to be all over the floor--he owns more shoes than I do (which isn't saying a lot since I only own a few pairs, but still). Bought these, and suddenly his closet looks awesome.
People have given us a frickton of baby clothes, and it's hard to keep them all organized. I've been sorting them into the three drawers of Alma's dresser thusly: (1) warm weather clothes (tops, bottoms, onesies); (2) cold weather clothes (tops, bottoms, onesies); (3) miscellaneous (sleepers, bibs, hats, socks). To assist, I bought these Now everything is divided appropriately and the different categories don't get mixed together.
...okay, okay, I'll write a little more. I'm lying in bed next to my adorable, peacefully sleeping (for now) daughter. The past few days have been especially rough; my sleep deprivation has reached critical and maybe postpartum depression as well. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed, and I find myself longing for time to be away from Alma and just rest, and then I feel guilty for wanting to be away from her because I love her so much and don't want to miss a single moment with her, and so the days go. I've also been feeling like a failure any time she cries and I can't soothe her, and feeling isolated--all the other moms are posting on Facebook about how great things are, so I must be the only one! But of course, I tend to post just the good things, too, so I don't imagine that's an accurate judge of normalcy.
For all that doom and gloom, though, I'm actually in a great mood right now and feeling quite cheerful about the way things are going. I got a lot done today. I'm excited about starting Tier 3 in January, graduating in March, and becoming a REAL LIVE YOGA TEACHER WOW. I'm addicted to Alma's grins and will do the most ridiculous things to coax a smile out of her. I've gotten my family hooked on Fringe. I've finished scanning all of my family's photos and 90% of them now exist in The Cloud (time to start on Alan's family's!). We're blessed to be in a position where not only are all our needs met, but we can also meet the needs of others. I've been able to attend yoga almost any time I want thanks to a variety of circumstances and people, and it's going really well. I'm incredibly happy with my body. I have amazing friends and have gotten to spend a lot of time with them lately. God is so patient with me and has kept me sane in a crazy time.
All in all, I wouldn't change a thing.
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somebody mixed my medicine
+ MONSTER GTL
- Alma is over a month old already
- Most days, I don't feel too tired
- The abundance of visitors we've had - Jennifer, Shasta, the Furnells, the Oprises, our landlord and her daughter, Alan's family, Fuat and his family...
- ...and all the gifts from way too many people to list
- Alan has extra vacation days out the wazoo
- GORGEOUS weather today
- My wonderful, handsome, supportive, encouraging husband
- A fun night of roleplaying
- Was able to help a girl on the crisis line
- My friend Brittany's husband won Top Shot
- Planning an awesome celebration for our Ultimate Frisbee group's first birthday
- Lauren is in town!
- Fringe, omv.
- Having a child makes me appreciate God's sacrifice of His Son in an entirely new way
- Lany finally got a Facebook
- Evanescence
- Evanescence's kick-rear new album, also called Evanescence
- The freaking amazing Evanescence concert we attended (I was in full fangirl mode the whole time - see my youtube channel for videos)
- Ordering my first alcoholic drink in public at said concert
- I'm back to prepregnancy weight, and almost back to prepregnancy shape
- Took my first postnatal yoga class, from one of my favorite teachers!
- It was great to do a bunch of poses that I haven't been able to do in almost a year
- Sunstone now allows premium members (like me) to bring a free guest any time we practice!
- The Rangers had their best season in franchise history
- Alma rolled from front to back twice in a row at only 22 days old. Already flaunting her strength.
- The two best photographers I know have taken pictures of my gorgeous baby
- Met another couple from our new Foundations group, and we hit it off very well
- My new project, scanning and uploading all our old family photos
- Our sweet new rat, Nancy
- How well Nancy and Harriet are getting along
- We've been getting more rain lately
- All the friends we ran into at Raise the Mark (Kenny, the Millers, Nicole, CRYSTAL)
- Going to Crystal's dance recital next week
- Alan and Cameron hilariously interviewing Occupy Dallas protestors
- Participating in a 40 Days for Life prayer vigil
- My Jo-girl
- Sent flowers to Ian's family--it's been four years today
- Dreams about people I miss
- Staying relatively on top of the to-do list
- ...relatedly, a sparkling clean house
- Alan's rockin' culinary skills
- Grapefruit juice
- Watching a scary movie with Bee late last night
- Alma's soft breathing while she sleeps
- God is God today and will still be God tomorrow
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you and me and the devil makes three
Alma is only nine days old, and I already can't imagine my life without her.
It's cliche, I know, but everything has changed--the whole way that I see the world. Yellow lights mean slow down, not speed up, because she's in the backseat. Abraham had faith that I could never match, because laying down your own life is easy--laying down your child's is incomprehensible. We're starting a savings account for her; if we put in just $100 a month from now until she's 18, she'll have over $21,000 waiting for her, for college or whatever else she needs. I want to give her everything. I want to be the best and godliest mother I can.
She doesn't do anything special, but everything that she does is special. She snorts when she gets really upset. Her second toes are longer than her first toes, just like mine. She loves to have her back patted and it calms her instantly. She has slate-blue eyes (they'll turn brown, I'm sure). She gets the hiccups, and I remember feeling them in my belly; she stretches, and I remember feeling her feet push into my ribs (she's lost weight since she was born, so she was actually bigger than this when she was in my belly--mind-blowing!). She grabs my finger with a surprisingly strong grip. She makes this "whistle face" where she raises her eyebrows and puckers her lips. In the first few days, I sobbed uncontrollably at least a few times when I thought about her not being this tiny forever. It's gotten a little easier--I still wish she wouldn't grow up so quickly, but I know that I'm going to love every minute of watching her grow and learn and become a beautiful young lady.
Except for my new supermodel boobs, my body is quickly returning to normal. I've lost 24 of the 30 lbs that I gained while pregnant, all swelling is gone, and the small injuries I sustained from labor are almost healed. My stomach isn't as flat as it used to be, but it HAS only been a week, and I could still easily wear a two-piece swimsuit. I can't wait to get the okay from my doctor to start working out again. It's amazing to not be pregnant anymore--to drink white wine, sleep on my back, and do everyday things without getting tired.
Everyone tells you how hard the first few weeks will be, but they have honestly been wonderful. Alma is the perfect baby; she only cries when she's dirty, hungry, or wants to be snuggled, all of which are easily fixed, and she typically only wakes us up 2-4 times a night. We're tired, but not nearly as much as we expected to be. We've passed some late-night feedings with movies (Rise of the Planet of the Apes at 5AM, for example). She had her first doctor's appointment and everything looks great. Breastfeeding has come really naturally to Alma and me, and I love having that intimacy with her. We've gotten into the hang of packing up our little family when it's time to go somewhere. I've even managed to mostly stay on top of the housework. I'm sure things will get harder once Alan goes back to work, but for now, I'm just enjoying this time.
People have been really great. We've had some lovely visitors, a few free meals, flowers and a fruit basket from Alan's work, and a lot of generosity and well-wishes. We finally found out who is in our Foundations group, so a few of the couples (the Millers and the Scholzs and us) decided to get together for dinner, and it was really nice. These past few weeks have also been great for sports; the Rangers and the Horns are both taking care of business and I'm excited to see where both go.
That's not to say that things have all been great. My family is going through some hard times, and it's hard not to wonder why they/we have to go through this. I've also had my moments of insecurity and sadness. It's been a good reminder, though, of God's great faithfulness and of my need for Him. I haven't thanked Him nearly enough for Alma--I don't think that I ever could. I want to love Him more, and I want to live in a way that I would be proud to have her imitate.
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